


Autophobia

by divine_rose



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied Soriku, Sad, spoilers for re:mind, the dlc was a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divine_rose/pseuds/divine_rose
Summary: For the one left behind, the world still turns._____**Spoilers for Re:Mind**Riku has a conversation with an old friend.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 115





	Autophobia

**Author's Note:**

> Just in case it was missed before but HEAVY spoilers for Re:Mind to follow.

When Riku was a kid, he sometimes had a recurring dream. 

He would be alone on the dock of the small islet where the paopu tree stood, dangling his feet off the edge. It was dark — it was always dark, and even though it was a beautiful clear night and the stars twinkled brightly above in the night sky above, there was a palpable sense of dread. It coiled like a snake in his gut, slowly weaving from left to right inside him until it felt like it would bubble up his throat and out of his mouth, threatening to choke him. Because deep down he knew, as he sat on that peaceful dock, that he was alone. And that he was always going to be alone. 

He’d always wake with a start and quietly crawl out of his bed, through the window of his bedroom and down the road to Sora’s house. It had happened enough times that there was a routine to it. A soft rap on the window, a pattern of knocks known only to them.  _ Thump thump tha-thump.  _ Like the beating of an excitable heart. He’d climb in through the window and curl up next to his best friend while the now roused Sora would talk and talk about everything and anything until Riku fell asleep. Sora never asked what the nightmares were about. Riku had them and that was enough to make Sora want to comfort him. 

They’d always wake before dawn and return as if nothing happened, the feeling of warmth and comfort replacing the existential dread. 

Except Riku felt it now,staring at the unmoving body of his sleeping friend. Riku felt it now because he was alone. Truly and horrifically _ alone, _ and there was no Sora to run to for comfort. 

He figured he must have looked like a ghost, gaunt and tired with deep bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. The dreams were back again, the dreams and the endless anxiety that could only be quelled by success. His back was hunched in the chair beside the table where Kairi laid, asleep. Exactly as she had been for several months now as time, and the world, marched on without her. 

As he marched on without a friend. 

Riku had been contemplative, deep in thought. This was a routine they now shared, quiet self reflection and searching for answers at the side of the only other individual who could hope to even begin to understand the depths of his pain — and yet she chose to sleep. Even when they both knew if they hadn’t found anything yet they were likely to not find another at all. His hands, previously folded in front of his face, balled into fists. 

He cast a cursory glance to see if anyone was hovering in the lab, but Ienzo usually allowed them absolute privacy. 

_ “We’ll give your some time alone with your friend, _ ” were always his words. But were they  _ really _ friends? So often as of late they felt like strangers. Two planets orbiting the same sun even long after it had gone supernova. 

Riku let out a shaky breath at the image. The only thing holding him together was the thin thread of hope, because Riku wasn’t sure he could live in a world without Sora. 

Maybe Kairi couldn’t either, and that was why she chose to sleep. 

Riku knew it wasn’t without purpose and yet he still couldn’t help but wish he had someone to truly talk to. Someone who understood his plight. How difficult it was to lead these search parties, to be the strong leader and master in the face of everything. 

Everytime he remembered the last time he saw Sora, his heart fell from his chest.. The emotional upheaval of seeing his friends back safe and sound and then having to watch as Sora disappeared before his very eyes like a fading dream. 

_ “Why didn’t you tell me?!”  _

Anger had leap to the forefront of his emotions because it was  _ easy  _ to toss blame around, even if he knew better. 

_ “I told him not to. We didn’t want to upset you.”  _ Kairi’s voice had been soft and final. Of course, because she had time to know and process. Riku hadn’t been afforded that luxury. To him, Sora had been there safe and sound one moment and then  _ gone _ the next. It ran on a loop in his mind like someone had reached inside his brain and broken the tape. 

Riku ended up biting his tongue so hard he tasted blood, swallowing the bitter pill of biting words he knew better than to say but rang with truth. They should have asked  _ him. _ They shouldn’t have robbed a potential goodbye  _ forever  _ from him. Kairi didn’t know him like Sora did, she never seemed to want to. How could she make this judgement call, and how could Sora go along with it? It cut him like a knife and he was still nursing the wound. 

The silence between them that followed had stretched the space between seconds and spanned eons. It felt like an ocean had grown in seconds and they both found themselves in opposite shores. 

_ “I’m going to look for Sora.”  _ Riku had turned and walked away even as Kairi called after him.

_ “We’ll look together!”  _

The sentiment had been sweet and softened him. Perhaps the ocean wasn’t as wide as he thought it was, and  _ yet _ . 

“And yet you’re here,” he spoke aloud to the sleeping form. “You’ve been here while I’ve been out there.” 

Because all the wishful and kind words in the word did not make up for reality, and the reality was that Kairi had  _ lied _ . They weren’t looking together. Even before she went to sleep she had avoided him. 

Riku wondered if it was guilt. 

His voice was low, hushed at first, as if afraid someone could overhear. Riku was so accustomed to holding everything in, it felt wrong somehow to say things out loud, especially  _ this _ . Yet each word felt like a stone being lifted from his chest and he was slowly regaining breath. 

“Why this long?” His voice was growing in boldness, “It’s been  _ months!  _ Why can’t we do this together?” 

_ Why did you all leave me alone again?  _

Everytime she had been roused to find there was no news on any front, she went back under to look some more. Where  _ else _ was there to look? Weeks stretched to months and  _ nothing _ . The way Riku figured it, next time it was  _ his _ turn for a prolonged nap. 

“Do you really think he’s going to come back this way?” Riku dropped his voice low again he paused for a beat before proposing quietly, “Or are you just hoping someone else does all the hard work? All the nights awake and missing him while you get to be asleep, roused when it’s all over?” He tightened his fists, knuckles turning white. This wasn’t entirely fair, but things weren’t exactly fair to him, either, and this felt like catharsis. 

“The sleeping princess, right? Like a fairytale.” A deep frown tugged at his tired features. Riku looked away for a moment at the softly beeping machinery. 

Maybe this wasn’t fair, but so much had gone unsaid, buried down in a box inside him for years it was only natural that some of it would begin to pile up until they forced their way out of his mouth. Little stones of frustration made gems by the pressure. 

“You know...you’re pretty selfish.” Riku whispered. He couldn’t look at her as he finally vocalized all these deep dark feelings he had buried for so long. Feelings he blamed on his own weakness when he was younger and more immature and repentant. Time and maturity had told him that all emotions came from somewhere and they were valid feelings, since the light and dark came from what you did with them. 

“I know. You can’t be selfish. I guess that’s what you think, anyway, but you…” he glanced back at her for a moment and then away again, “You haven’t  _ lived _ like we have. It’s not your fault, but I’ve been to a lot of worlds and I’ve seen so much that I know darkness isn’t just in hearts...it’s in actions too.” He said lowly.

“You can be made of light and still do some pretty terrible things.” Riku looked back, “You didn’t have to pretend to be friends with me for Sora’s benefit.” He whispered, as if speaking forbidden knowledge. 

Riku knew his words were true even if everyone else denied them. Of course they would. He was so shrouded by the specter of mourning that everyone would say anything to try to chase away the pall. 

He knew it was true because he had seen it for years — the quiet whispers. 

_ Don’t tell Riku.  _

_ Let’s leave right now.  _

_ He’s fine.  _

Hushed conversations and secrets, and Riku treated as an obstacle instead of a friend. 

Riku blamed himself for a long time but he knew the truth now. 

It wasn’t the islands being destroyed and the darkness that put the uncrossable rift between them; it was always there. 

“I wanted to be friends, all three of us. Like we always thought we were. But even back then, we knew better.” He grabbed the fabric of his pants tightly for a moment. “I heard you the night we were going to leave the islands,” he admitted, “It’s ok—it was a while ago, I just wish…” he blinked back tears that he didn’t even realize had formed.

“I just wish I didn’t have to do this alone.” 

Silence hung in the air, and nothing had changed. Kairi was still asleep, the only sound in the room the dull, monotonous beeps from machines Riku didn’t quite understand. No one would ever know this conversation even took place, no one except Riku himself. He was fine with that. It was better this way. He gathered up all the loose emotions and quietly put them back in their bottle, burying them once more. 

Riku swiftly wiped the tears on the back of his glove, blinking his eyes back into focus as he stepped towards the door. 

“Sleep well, Kairi.” He murmured quietly as he flicked the lights off and stepped out of the dark room into the light of the lab. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of complicated destiny trio thoughts. Re:mind only added to that


End file.
